ADHD, Conversations & Perfectionism

On a recent weekday morning, I made a local coffee shop my unofficial office. As I contemplated how this change of scenery could help my competing to-do list items, I remembered how much I love getting lost in people-watching… Coffee shops help me get to some tasks while helping me avoid others. Each of the two appointments who met me at the coffee shop that morning mentioned their ADHD within the first two minutes of sitting down. A third appointment never showed up.

ADHD has been heavy on my mind lately. Earlier this year, I saw parallels between the very public drama in Alchemy leadership and within my smaller social circle. In each space, I saw that ADHD was used to sidestep conversations that would have helped alleviate misunderstandings. I have been thinking about how “ADHD” is mentioned in response to any difficult or uncomfortable task.

In our pleasure-seeking society, it is no wonder so many of us struggle with setting priorities. We are tied to dopamine-high hunting which lets us avoid the important, urgent, and ugly. We would rather do what gives us instant gratification. Everyone puts off doing their taxes, seeing their lawyer, or getting work done at the dentist; these are not anyone’s top appointments. These important things are dreaded and delayed.

While I enjoy writing, publishing anything requires a constant push. I know little about the clinical, biological, or textbook variations of ADHD. No doubt many people suffer from the clinical diagnosis of ADHD and struggle with priorities in their everyday lives. In recent years, ADHD has become a popular excuse, justification, or explanation. To make sense of this tendency, I wondered if ADHD is now just a shorthand for the avoidance of unpleasant tasks.

In both communities, interpersonal strife and conflicts grew due to “ADHD.” Unpleasant conversations were pushed aside. Our aversion to difficult tasks shows up as a form of resistance, forgetfulness, or avoidance. The uncomfortable gets relegated to later. This tendency to put off what is difficult can lead to conflagrations later. Two interrelated reasons exist for this. First, we have difficulty having nuanced conversations. Second, we fear being deemed imperfect.

Crucial Conversations

We often skip out on challenging conversations when we feel they require too much effort. For example, if someone is repeatedly dismissive of me in group settings, I should address it sooner rather than later. If I let it go once, by the second time, my silence has set a precedent. Furthermore, it becomes difficult to take on topics if something hurts or challenges us. Bringing up our sore spots involves actual effort and intention. It is infinitely easier to avoid, put off, or ignore.

Addressing annoyances, boundary violations, and disrespect requires skill. Over time, the repetitive nature of these injuries requires an even larger toolkit to broach them. If we lack the language, willingness, or ability to address this proactively, it hinders the community’s ability to see and hold space for its members. Addressing conflicts before conflagrations requires emotional work and a willingness to see others. Sensitivity, nuance, and openness are needed to truly give one another space. In a healthy community, we address misunderstandings proactively.

We need language and effort to resolve slights before they become conflicts. If things are heavy or we feel unskilled, it is easier to avoid them or “ADHD” the task. Thus, when there are misunderstandings in boundaries or respect, it takes effort to really get to them.

Perfectionism

Relatedly, although each of us is flawed in some way, we are desperately afraid of being imperfect. ADHD is deeply related to perfectionism. We put things off if we cannot do them well. In community, this manifests as avoiding tough conversations to “people-please.” This is one of my struggles. Sometimes, sharing an entirely different worldview feels like too much effort. This same difficulty keeps us from speaking our minds in group situations.

We are afraid of having unpopular opinions, being judged, or misunderstood. As a result, this people-pleasing perfectionism keeps us from showing up authentically. Taking on slights and making yourself understood runs counter to feel-good culture. Our national litigiousness manifests on a personal level with individual blame-placing. As a result, there is a resistance to taking on responsibility and comprehensively addressing the consequences of our behavior in community.

Accountability is not about perfectionism. Acknowledging conflict and our parts in it makes people anxious. It can be uncomfortable to face one’s actions. If accountability is seen as punitive, it sows an unhelpful seed and is counterproductive to growth. Accountability seems like punishment if calling out bad behavior is seen as an attack. Punishment says you are wrong and/or bad. Accountability says you make and learn from mistakes. (Thanks, Brene Brown!)

Inspired by the desire to be liked by everyone, you cannot have the courage to voice your own position. When your sense of self or place in the world is delicate, you lack the courage to say what you genuinely need. No wonder ADHD is a convenient way to sidestep difficult discussions. People are often too involved with their world to imagine being slightly uncomfortable for the greater good. A whole other post could discuss the difference between safety and discomfort. How would the community look if we gave each other grace for taking things head-on instead of fearing how it would look?

We carry into our communities the biases, bull shit, and baggage within us. Yet, we all have the capacity for growth and repair. From the lessons of this year, I hope to nip future misunderstandings in the bud. I can use these lessons to create space to hold others in their difficulties. The nitty-gritty drama of the two community conflicts I witnessed are a microcosm of the world.

We don’t all have to be besties; yet we must acknowledge the many ways we hide, avoid, and let conundrums fester. Strengthening our communities means doing the emotional work around understanding. Community making always requires more work than sidestepping. ADHD may very well clinically keep us from taking on difficult or uncomfortable conversations. Still, there is beauty in working towards resolving our minor misunderstandings. Ultimately, how we show up speaks to the suffering through the inconveniences it takes to create community.